I hate pretending to be human. I am pretty good at it, if I do say so myself. I take pride in my work. But I hate it.
When I listen to humans speaking, I like looking at the spot right between their eyes. You'd be surprised how many people are completely inattentive to their unibrow. It's hard to concentrate on their words, sometimes, when you're admiring the hedge, but it's a skill one can master, and I have mastered the fuck out of it. Geez. Would it kill you to buy some Nair? Or something? I've got some scissors you can borrow, dude, just trim that shit up. That's right. I'm no longer speaking hypothetically, I'm talking to you. Fix your fucking UNIBROW so I can pretend to be making eye contact with you.
...Oh, I'm just kidding, dude. As the human body I've borrowed has this same minor defect, I could be termed a hypocrite. I'm sure other assholes are staring at my unibrow and ignoring what I'm saying. Hell, you could be doing it right now, for all I know. But, seeing how I'm something other than human, I don't feel that I have any reason to give a shit what you're doing.
"Giving a shit." Isn't that a charming idiom? Just charming. I care so much, I'm going to fucking poop. I'm going to defecate on the subject of this conversation. Hey, man, I care, let me just let go of some fecal matter about it. Nah, I don't care enough. Let me tighten up my rectum so no shit falls out. Basically I don't care enough to crap myself right now, sorry, man. Hey, look, I'm channeling George Carlin. See how good at pretending to be human I am? Shit jokes and wordplay. Hey -- wait a second. Just a second.
OK, sorry. That wasn't the guy. I know it looks like I'm a postal worker, but really, it's just a cover story. Yeah, I know. A cover story, like a fucking dollar-store spy novel and shit. But seriously. Not human. On Earth, inhabiting a human body, in order to assassinate a specific individual. Fucked up, eh?
Get this, though. The 'people' who sent me here - and I use the term 'people' so loosely I'm about to lose my grasp on it altogether - they view this the same way you might ask someone to make you a dozen photocopies because they're closer to the machine. There's no glory in this. This guy is just important, and that's why I need to--
But that'd be telling, wouldn't it. I know one thing about you humans - you like to talk! And yes, since it's come up, I suppose it's a trait I've acquired as well. What can I say? Some things come with the body. But, no. Can't have you talking. Best if you don't know just what it is I need to do with this human's organs once he's dead. Just know I need to do it. Or I'll be punished.
There's worse shit than death. There's shit that's so bad you can't even begin to fear it could happen to you until after you've died. You don't have the context necessary to formulate the concern until your body's separated from your mind.
And now I'm definitely saying too much. Doing a piss-poor job of pretending to be human, now, aren't I? But look at this. Yeah, hands in my pockets. I dunno why you humans do this shit, but look! I look like ten times more human now, don't I? I sure don't understand it though. My hands aren't cold, I don't need to get anything out of my pockets, but here I am, putting my hands in 'em, just lettin' the old hands hang out in the old pockets, there.
Shit, I wonder if that's the guy.
OK, OK, pal. I've had a few years of practice being human, thank you very much. I know that was in fact a woman. I was shitting you. You know? Making jokey? Ell oh ell? Oh, go fuck yourself.
I totally knew that was a woman. I'm pretty fucking good at pretending to be human.
Look, I'm risking losing my security clearance for this, I'm risking losing the whole assignment, but I gotta spill the beans to somebody, and you look like a trustworthy type. I'm gonna tell you the name of my target. Hell, maybe you can help me. Maybe this is kismet.
Listen, the guy I'm looking for, he's a real stodgy type. And get this. They named him after fucking logs! Lincoln. Abraham... Lincoln. Yeah, you heard me right. Only on Earth, right? This is such a fucked up motherfucker. So. You ever--
Oh... Oh. No, no way. Are you serious? Abraham Lincoln? He's... Oh, man. Ohhhh, shit.
Shit.
I can see it already. There go my organs. This is gonna be a hell of a year.
