On Splenda
First off, I'd like to talk about Splenda. Splenda is the name of a brand of sucralose, an artificial sweetener. I put some in my coffee today from a little paper package, and I noticed that the paper package says a funny thing. It says:
"Splenda: Tastes Like Sugar, Because It's Made From Sugar."
No offense to McNeil Nutritionals, but it's possible to oversimplify things. I mean, you can make a lot of things from sugar. Some of them explode. Some of them will kill you. Some of them, such as sucralose, can't be effectively digested in the human body. And you wouldn't say "Tastes Like Sugar, Because It's Made From Sugar" about, say, starch, would you?
I propose a slightly less pithy, but more informative slogan.
"Splenda: Tastes Like Sugar, Because Even Though It's Been Chemically Jacked-Up So That It Passes Through The Human Digestive System Without Breaking Down Or Contributing Nutrition In Any Way, Nonetheless It Retains Enough Of The Molecular Structure And Form Of Sugar To Trigger The Sweetness Receptors On The Surface Of The Human Tongue; How About That Shit?"
Alternately, there's my old fallback joke about Splenda's slogan:
"Oh, it tastes like sugar because it's made from sugar, does it? In that case, I'm happy to inform consumers that my poop tastes like pizza."
In other news
[ed. note: I recognized after I wrote this how many of my friends it sounds like I'm insulting directly. I am not really talking about people who just use a Mac - although really, why does EVERYONE call it a Macbook instead of a Mac laptop or just a laptop? Always wondered that. But anyway: Even if this essay is not talking about you, you definitely know the kind of person I'm talking about. My thesis is not that those people are stupid; my thesis is that they're being preyed upon by Apple.]
I wrote this in the middle of June, I found it in my "Unpublished Drafts" while going through the trash of this weblog. Trying to motivate myself to say something, but I was somewhat surprised to find this. I only barely remember writing it.
I bought a heap of lovely curtains
And I hung them around the room.
I closed the door
And kept peeping in
But a party never appeared.
It's related (if you can believe it) to my long-standing dislike of Apple Inc.
My problem with Apple is that they sell you an image. They sell you a fast-talking kind of slick image that has really fallen out of favor in advertising in favor of more straightforward promises of utility. Apple, Inc. is old-school when it comes to their branding. Their branding's implied message is that you will be cool if you purchase their products.
Not that their products work better. Or are superior. Or are fairly priced. They are selling you the idea that you will be cool if you purchase their products. And they charge a fairly high price for this, and people feel that they are being done a favor by Apple.
Apple fanboys. Look around on the internet and you will see Apple fanboys. Always taking the most token and awkward of opportunity to drop facts about how great their Apple laptop is, taken right from the product's brochure. And if you think I'm exaggerating, you simply haven't seen enough Apple fanboys casually mention their "crystal-clear 17-inch display" - as if any manufacturer makes anything but crystal-clear 17-inch displays here in the goddamn 21st century.
These people feel that they must rep the product at any opportunity. They love to do it, and Apple loves them for it. You can't buy endorsements like that! (God help you if you still know someone who does this in real life; thankfully they seem to be growing somewhat rarer as people slowly, reluctantly embrace the idea that an iPod [or as Apple encourages you to call it, 'iPod' - alone - a proper noun, like it is your new friend] is just an overpriced MP3 player.) And do you know anyone who calls their Apple laptop by its brand name, a "Macbook" or "Powerbook?" Jobs forbid they call it a laptop.
Apple customers semi-rationally feel they owe this constant bragging-on-Apple-products to Apple because they bought a product, and that was all it took for them to be cool. However - and this is the truly sad part - they know inside that it is not true. That is why they must constantly mention how great the product is. If they quote the brochure, and someone believes them, their identity, tied up in their self-labeling as an "Apple Product Owner," is strengthened.
Just keep peeping in. Those fancy curtains will summon a party to your living room any minute now and you will be the guest of honor, at last, and won't that be great?
I think a lot of people who buy Apple products just need a hug. I have a deep-seated conviction that this is true, although of course I can't prove it. They just need to be hugged, smiled at, and told that they are pretty darn swell just the way they are. Like when you were a kid, and your parents told you that you didn't need the new expensive brand-name clothes to be accepted; it's YOU people like, you know, not the things you wear!
Sometimes, silly things occur to me. Things occur to me like... you know, I want to make an ad campaign, and have a bunch of public service announcements encouraging people not to try to buy friends.
I'd encourage viewers of my message to try to appreciate people for who they are and the uniqueness they bring to the table, not for the things they own, and to just trust people that they will do the same for you... if you're truly earnest, it's not a bad bet.
I'd try to counteract all the negativity we're brainwashed with from every direction these days by kind of floating the idea across that really, truly, things aren't that bad as long as we have each other. Yeah. Just you, me, and the rest of us friends. Sticking together!
I'd urge you to consider the idea that maybe, just maybe, someone feels that way about you; that in some small way... you make things kind of OK, just with your presence and the things you say and do.
It also occurs to me that this would be a hell of a way to sell a wristwatch.
