:: what does a fella have to do to get a blog post around here
The State of the Nation, hosted by Hammer and Anvil.
ANVIL: Good morning, Hammer. My, it's been a long time, hasn't it?
HAMMER: Yes... yes, it has. It's been strange not having anything to discuss. But it's OK. Lots to talk about today. Right, Anvil?
A: Right! Now, our reader may observe, shrewdly, that some of these topics have already been covered in conversation by our mysterious author, the neckbeard known only as [REDACTED]. But, if our reader is inclined to complain about this, we'd like to offer a simple remedy.
H: Indeed, Anvil. Here's the layout. It starts with "shut the fuck up" and ends with an exclamation point.
A: Indeed, Hammer. Moreover, [REDACTED] is probably not capable of talking about these subjects with every human being on the planet Earth. At least, not in a timely fashion.
H: God, you're pompous.
A: That's why we're pals, Hammer; we make a great team. I'm the brains, and the looks, and you're the mouth.
H: What?
A: Never change, Hammer.
First off, I'd like to address a sort of creeping problem I've observed in my trawlings 'round the Internet. Have you ever read a discussion forum, Hammer? A message board? Anything where people get together and start trying to out-clever each other in text?
H: Sure. I prefer just vandalizing Wikipedia, but I know what you're talking about.
A: OK. Well, good. What I'd like, in order to demonstrate this increasingly worrisome problem, is for you to go to the message board of your choice and look for some kind of creative endeavor. Or even programming endeavor. Basically any discussion where people are talking about creating something together. You've got your authors, or your artists, or whatever. OK?
H: Sure. The clowns who are working together on making that huge robot that knits quilts the size of your mom's ass, they're all talking with each other, coordinating their efforts. Exchanging ideas.
A: That's right! Isn't it great! Wait... who's that guy who just popped in?
H: Ahhh, I see him too. JohnQJackass, 5 posts, joined forum two days ago. Of course this doesn't just apply to forums, but you see what I'm talking about.
A: He joins the thread, and what does JohnQJackass say with his precious, valued sixth post? He starts saying "I think when we finish the huge quilt robot we should build an even more giant robot that actually has guns, and then we could use it to kill the police in my town and my dad, god I hate my dad"
H: Indeed. JohnQJackass is full of great ideas for someone else. Or, in this case, really awkward ideas that kinda reveal JohnQJackass's deep personal issues, but that's neither here nor there.
A: What would they do without his input! Note that he says "we" repeatedly, for a project he'd love to steer but has no desire (or ability) to contribute to. Isn't that an interesting term? What exactly does "we" mean, here?
H: Hmmm. Interesting question indeed, Anvil. It's a tough colloquialism to define. I'd say it is translated roughly as "Hopefully someone, in a perfect world you, but in any case definitely not me."
A: Yes, that's rather apt, Hammer. Your mom was clearly under some kind of mistaken impression about you when she was complaining to me last night.
H: What?
A: The point is, you see this guy, JohnQJackass, absolutely anytime any group of people are trying to collaborate on a project of any import at all. If you think about it, JohnQJackass is being a real selfish jerk. He attempts to co-opt the camaraderie of the group, by saying "we," saying we should implement this exactly the way I suggest, because we have such a great project, and I am a part of it. Of us. Aren't we glad to have me aboard?
H: No, JohnQJackass. We kinda hate your guts. It's my hope that anyone who sees this weblog post (Hi, reader! Lonely out there?) will be inoculated against this subtle form of collaboration-straining. Now that you've seen it elucidated, it will annoy you. As it should, for the reasons above mentioned. JohnQJackass is a prick. And he's everywhere.
He's gonna use his seventh post to complain that he followed all the directions for building the giant quilt robot and it didn't work because his mom didn't want to buy seventeen tons of reinforced aircraft aluminum. He's also gonna request that someone redesign it to be built out of used Mountain Dew cans, because we have so many of them handy.
A: So. Lovely, precious, long-waiting, almost certainly not quite sober reader. When you meet JohnQJackass or his millions of equally socially inept, childish, and selfish buddies, trying to co-opt projects you like for their own purposes, your duty is first to notice it, then to mock him relentlessly until he disappears.
H: I like "Who's this we? You got a turd in your pocket?" as an opening riposte, but you can call me old-fashioned.
A: Actually, Hammer, I like that.
H: Really?
A: No, of course not. You're such a goddamn oaf I honestly can't believe it.
H: Shithead. :D
A: Here's one that's a little easier to explain. Have you noticed how amazing the pizza place down the street is? Isn't it amazing to go to McDonald's or buy a pair of pants? It's just goddamn amaaaaazing to walk half a block when it's a nice day.
H: Do you know what amazing means? If you actually do, you know it's positively amazing that all these people are saying it all the fucking time.
A: All the fucking time? Surely you don't mean ALL THE FUCKING TIME?
H: Oh my yes, Anvil, I do in fact mean people say "amazing" when they don't really mean it ALL. THE GODDAMN. MOTHERFUCKING. TIME.
A: Here's an idea, world: Quit it.
H: It's a good idea, we should get right the fuck on it.
A: Heh. Nice one, Hammer.
H: I know! Wasn't it awesome?
A: Sure was, man!
H: Yup, just ... awesome.
A: ...Wait... "awesome" has... an actual meaning, too... but... I like "awesome." Dammit. Dammit! You kinda ruined my day a little bit, Hammer. Why'd you have to go and SAY that?
H: 'Cause you've been a shithead this whole conversation, Anvil.
A: Ahhh... Well played, well played. You win this round, Hammer. Sorry I was being such a prick.
H: Eh, it's cool. We're cool, Anvil. I got your mom my dick for Christmas.
A: What?
